The inevitable rise of the 'Shire team continues. A team so foolishly written off in November. Not even a 3G pitch in Dyce could stop the men in Scarlet and Basalt. The performance of all players from 1 to 22 lifted the spirits of the literally 10’s of people who made the 9 mile journey to Dyce to watch The Northern Police play in the giant cage. Fitting, as it felt like playing in the exercise area of a maximum-security prison. The ‘Shire men would play the part of The Mean Machine.

The game started with a ‘Shire kick off. The Police retained possession for about 5 minutes as good ‘Shire defence meant that the Police opted to kick the ball away giving the The Mean Machine their first taste of ball. Hard running from the returning Jason Buuuurrrrton and the ever-present Kenny Penman frightened the Police. They might have wished they had brought riot gear instead of their rugby gear. But, they would have a busy day regardless as Buuuurrton and Penman are not a pair of 8 stone vegans from Extinction Rebellion. Play continued with the Police having to ironically break one of the Laws of rugby - hands in the ruck, with the referee commenting “Blue seven, Doughnut do that again”. The resulting ‘Shire lineout got spun out to Johnny Gravy and he got over the line in his now permanent position at fly-half. Paul Harrow converted with ease.

‘Shire received the following kick off well and exited well. Giving possession to an on-form Police side. After a fair amount of pressure, the Police “Baton Charged” their way over the ‘Shire’s line making it 5 - 7. The try was unconverted. ‘Shire needed to answer back to make a “Statement”. From the restart, the Police managed to play the ball out of their half using the stiff breeze to their advantage with a deep kick into the 'Shire 22. Giving fullback Jamie Stephen only one option but to try and “Bail” the ‘Shire out with a kick to touch. Already the Police’s “Line-Up” was going well. ‘Shire defended the maul and later the “Thin White Line” until the Police found the overlap and dotted down in the corner. This was then dutifully slotted by the Police kicker, 12 - 7.

Some stern words from the ‘Shire skipper Frazman Foriar might have inspired the men to get involved in some “Police Brutality”. A high hanging kick gave the 'Shire men a great opportunity for Mike MacGLUETASH to get his hands on the ball. ‘Shire then could put some pressure on the Sweeney. Some good interplay with great forward carries from Liam Reid and Josh Taylor left the Police's defensive line in 6s and 7s with Mr Emslie finally boring his way over the line. It was now all square. As Paul Harrow missed the conversion. “Fraser Forman”, the Captain, rallied the inn-mates again with inspiring words like “come on lads”, “we are not going to lose” and “go team”. Unbeknownst to 93% of the team, the kick off had happened and the ever youthful Paul Harrow was sprinting up the middle of the pitch with the ball in hand ready to score another try under the posts. He then himself added the extras for bad behaviour.

‘Shire then did not take the jack boot off the neck of the fuzz, applying more pressure at set piece. With front rows Liam “The Crooked Feed” Reid and Lewis “I Could Have Played In Wembley” Emslie putting huge pressure on their opposing props. At one particular point, the Boys in blue had a Scrum five metres out from their line. This pressure (that the interrogators of the Birmingham six would have been proud of) resulted in the police going backwards allowing ‘Shire to turn over the ball gifting Burton yet another chance to use his “Long Arm” to touch it down. This left Barney Henderson weeping with delight on the side-line. Gavin Cunningham added the extras giving ‘Shire a healthy lead at the Half.

HT: 12 - 26

The sun began to shine as the ‘Shire men knew the importance of the 4 try bonus point they received before the half. The job was only half done, this was “evident” when the team’s Backs Coach Rocky said “The job is only ‘alf deeenn, ken”. With those cryptic words the ‘Shire Bloods came out with the same hunger they have showed in all of 2020 with Jonny Gravy controlling the game, mixing the ball between the forwards and the backs keeping the Old Bill guessing. With the “Usual Suspects” Kenny Penman and Gav Cunningham making inroads to the now demoralised Police Force. All culminating in both Jason Burton and Paul Harrow getting over the line in quick succession. Both tries were unconverted by Gav Cunningham. With now the score 12 - 36 the bench was utilised.

A bearded James Dooley was replaced by an equally Bearded Mike Mackie. A bearded Coewis Emslie was replaced by the 2019 seasons Most Improved Player Shane Lafferty. Duncan Angus replaced Kenny Penman. Andrew Falconer replaced Jason Burton. Ben Morris replaced Paul Harrow and both wingers Aaron Wright and Mike MacChewdash were replaced by Kieran Fulton and Khalid El Hidane. With all these changes the ‘Shire kept their pressure on the Police. Leading to a great finish in the corner by ‘Shires young winger Kieran Fulton. The extras were not slotted by Gav Cunningham leaving the score 12 - 41 with 15 minutes to go.

A late rally from the not so Hot Fuzz saw them exerting huge pressure on ‘Shire, some brave defending by Tom Watson and substitute Duncan Angus couldn’t keep the Police at bay and they got by for a well-deserved score. This was followed by another score soon after by a collective lapse in concentration as the game drew to an end. Leaving one last tactical genius by Barney Henderson allowing Lewis Emslie to replace Liam Reid who had an outstanding game. Lewis popped up in the last minutes of the game running 20 metres through traffic like a Ford Anglia with the blues and twos blaring for the final points of the game.

FT: 22 – 46

A great win for the ‘Shire men with one more step from their meteoric rise from the ashes.

Leaving behind nights of whiskey and beer

We rise

Into a daybreak with horrible fear

We rise

Bringing the pints my teammates desire,

We are the dream and the hope of the Shire.

We rise

We rise.

MAYA DOOLEYOU

#BigCatFamily